Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
