Did you just see the Batmobile???
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
