Kiss
Puke
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
