Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
