Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Operation Purity has been aborted
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
