my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
