I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
