I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
did you just send me my own nude
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
