Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
