Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
