My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
