If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
