Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
