Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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