I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
