Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize