So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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