Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize