We named our party play list daddy issues
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I love you. Go after that dick
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
