I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
