Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize