i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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