im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
