There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
