Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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