they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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