I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
