I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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