god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize