I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
