Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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