See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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