I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
