Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
