There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize