my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
