The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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