you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize