Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
