can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
