Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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