probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
