so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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