so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize