Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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