I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
