I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
