I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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