so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
we're so committed to being not committed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
