Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
