we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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