Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
