I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize