May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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