There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
