i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
