My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
