I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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