Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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