am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
