I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
