don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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