I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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