Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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